Last month, Frank and I celebrated our 47th wedding anniversary. It’s hard to believe we’ve been married that long. It hasn’t always been easy, but, for the most part, it’s been an exciting journey of discovery together. Two secrets of our success are that we both love each other, and that we both went into marriage believing it
was to last forever.
A third secret was counseling. I’m not sure we would have made it without counseling at two key points in that journey—once when the kids were young and we were both still in school, and later, when our kids were older and we were faced with seemingly irreconcilable differences.
Counseling helps you look at yourself and at each other in a fresh light. Coupled with testing, it can indicate problem areas where you may not be as perfectly compatible as you thought you were.
When it becomes difficult to talk to each other without getting angry or discouraged, counseling gives you the opportunity to talk to each other in front of a third, more objective party.
Marriage takes hard work, and it’s important to go into it expecting it to take work. But it’s also important to know that the hard work is worth it. It helps you, your mate, and your relationship mature.
Just as you grow and change with time, so does your mate. Take care not to pigeonhole, or leave him or her at one stage of development in your mind. Maybe he was impulsive in his 20’s, but that doesn’t mean he still is. Maybe she was insecure as a new mother, but that doesn’t mean she won’t be brave in another context. Continue to explore and get to know that fascinating person of the other sex.
Don’t stop talking, but don’t talk constantly. Develop different interests and the ability to enjoy silence together. But recognize that enjoying silence is very different from giving the silent treatment because you’re miffed. Don’t expect your mate to guess how you’re feeling or why you're feeling that way.
Recognize that you can't change your mate. The only person you can change is yourself.
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